alternate Meanings of Tools

[afr]

Tools Explained...A Valuable Guide

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.


SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense Welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
On fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobi le upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.


BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.




TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
To disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.




HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
Object we are trying to hit.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
Vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[tcuda499]

now thats funny i use the dammit tool almost every day.
i measured once and cut three times but it still to short????

[afr]

its been floating around the internet for a while but it still funny

[Tony]

Extension Cord- Something that no matter how carefully routed or stored wil always catch or snag on any imaginable object in the shop. Also will tangile and knot itself so badly that you just throw it in the trash. Extension cords tend to be 6" to 1' short of reaching the desired location.

[Bobcat]

I can put a 25' power cord in the bed of the truck, then come back to get it 5 minutes later and it will be tangled up in something.....I always say " you got to be f*cking kidding me "!

[clayinaustin]

I've seen these before, but I still laugh everytime I read them!

[Donskihp]

I hadn't seen that before, its halarious, and somehow yet I can really relate to it!

[Tony]

Operation tool- a powerfull magnet atttached the end of a telescopic stick. Its intended use is to retrieve metalic tools and other objects from the bottom of the bilge.

The F'ing thing always manages to touch and stick itself to an object other than the intended target (sort of like the game "Operation"). The side load required to unstick the tool is often more than the shaft can handle and it bends and breaks barring any future use of the tool.

[Tony]

Slide Hammer aka "the jack off tool" - A device used to cause severe cases of carpal tunnel.

[afr]

ladder a tool used to bang your knee on the boat when climbing in and out
then you need the damit tool

[Tony]

Bolt Bin - a piece of shop furnature used as a display stand for your most prized mangled pistons and rods as well as quart jars of moonshine. They also serve as storage for small pieces and parts that just dont quite belong anywhere else. You will forget about theese parts the instant that you place them in the bin and end up just buying more the next time you need them.