The Sleep Talking Man

[MacGyver]

http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/ This guy rambles in his sleep and his wife records it all and posts it on her blog. Some funny chit. Might give texts from last might a run for its money!

"Yeah I do. I have SO much to give. Choke on it!"

[chuckling throughout] "I'm trying not to laugh. But your face! Your face! Oh, please look away. Please?"

"No, not the cats. Don't trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much."

"My badger's gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!"

"Monkey power! Straight from the jungle."

 

[MacGyver]

"If I wanted to see a long nose and a big ass, I'd look at a horse."

"Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows!"

"You can't be a pirate if you haven't got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules."

"We haven't got a plank. Just phucking jump."

 

[MacGyver]

"I'm baking pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows."

"Potato bags. I can't find my potato bags. I need them! [desperately] Who's got my potato bags? Oh, phuck it! I'll have to use something else."

"Pork chops are most satisfying. Mmmmmmm. Dangle them from the ceiling."

 

[MacGyver]

"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."

"Yeah, keep looking. It doesn't get any better than this."

"Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I'm telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination."

"You're pretty. pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty.... [long pause] Now phuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I'm bored."

[hand tangled in my hair, massaging my scalp] "I'm stuck. I'm stuck. Your pubes! You got to shave."

 

[MacGyver]

"Oompa loompas don't sing in heaven. They tidy up the clouds."

"Legs time! Everybody get your legs!"

"Please just walk away. I don't want to have to stand here and say something so awesome that I'll have to remember it the rest of the day. Thank you!"

 

[MacGyver]

"Flap's on fire. Your flap's on fire! Chili in the vagiiiiina. I'm a bad bad boy."

"Don't... Don't put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They'll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings."

 

[MacGyver]

"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."

"I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."

 

[MacGyver]

"Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else."

"By the way, washing in rose water doesn't stop you smelling like a piece of chit."

 

[MacGyver]

"Be happy happy happy happy."

"Now phuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me."

 

[MacGyver]

"Badger tickling: proceed with caution"

"Vampire penguins? Zombie guinea pigs? We're done for.... done for."

 

[MacGyver]

"I don't want to die! I love sex. And furry animals."

"Well that's just great. Peanut butter in my crack. Goddamnit."

 

[MacGyver]

"Put it down! Step away from the yam. Step away!"

"Fluffy bunny + twitchy nose + big ears = great stew."

 

[MacGyver]

"I don't want to watch. I want to get my hands dirty, all the way up to my shoulder. Filthy."

"I can't control the kittens. Too many whiskers! Too many whiskers!"

 

[Dude! Sweet!]

I AM F*CKING CRYING... Too funny! :sifone:

 

[jet]

I know a guy that talks like that when he's awake lol

 

[cigdaze]

Holy crap, that's hilarious!!! :rofl: :rofl:

 

[Wobble]

LOL

 

[03darkshadow]

saw that at work earlier and bust out laughing in the middle of the office. its hilarious.

 

[Big Time]

I had a dream last night that I was mentoring a bunch of gang bangers and drug dealers and to get them off the streets I taught them how to catch lobster and showed them how lucrative it was. In the end they realized they could make just as much money catching lobster as selling drugs. I can only imagine what I was mumbling during that dream....

OK, I'll get off the boards now and finish up my work...sorry about that.

 

[MacGyver]

"They're not smile lines, they're stretch marks. Cock sucker."

"My donkey. That's MY donkey. Get off my donkey! You know, you're not some super-star donkey jockey. Piss off."

"Yes, I can get away with wearing leather chaps. Just not on a windy day."