Schwartzcraft, An old friend

[T2x]

http://www.offshoreonly.com/forums/g...ami-boat-show.

[Chris]

Dateline Vienna:

1/24/07 7:00 AM

Millionaire sportsman Horatio Schwartz announced today that he would run his newest Schwartzcraft racing Vee hull to a World Record speed for monohulls at a secret location and date. Horsepower is rumored to be over 4000 per engine, but the number of engines and length of the hull were not disclosed.

Horatios' press secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, when reminded that there doesn't seem to actually be a Schwartzcraft Boat company, replied: " Zees are simply annoying details.....and we laugh at your implications!" When pressed further about the whereabouts of the secretive Mr. Schwartz, Sterling replied glibly: " He is out looking for zee perfect crash helmet....one zat will not mess up hees hair". A final question about Mister Hyperbole's strange accent caused the press conference to end in a fistfight.

Story at eleven.

[Chris]

1/24/07 4:00 PM

Dateline Vienna:

At a press conference following the first successful test runs of the vaunted Schwartzcraft vee bottom record boat, press secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, was brimming with confidence.

In a room packed with boating press, who were attracted by a sumptious meal of Champagne, Caviar, and roast duckling, he gushed: "Zee hull has exceeded our most aggressive expectations". Pressed for more details as to what that meant in terms of performance, he replied with glee....

" It floats!!".

Technical Director for the project, Giancarlo Bravado, was then introduced for a quick series of questions. What speed is expected was an almost unanimous request, to which Mister Bravado replied" Classified" but added "We will be disappointed if we don't break the record by at least 10 mph."
When pressed as to what the current record actually was, he answered " At least 10 mph below what we will actually achieve." Further questions about the other challengers, Fountain, Cigarette and Outer Limits were deflected as Mr. Bravado didn't seem to know who they were.

He did offer that the Schwartzcraft vee hull was displaying "some oscillation from side to side at speeds over 60 mph", and that "this would need to be fixed before the final record attempt". He suggested that there were two schools of thought among his technical staff to correct this. The first: "We discussed splitting the hull in half length wise and putting a wing section between the halves for stability"...... The second, more complex, approach involves "using aerospace gyro systems and long trim tabs to stabilise the existing hull".... When reminded that the first approach would turn the boat into a catamaran....he responded: "What's a catamaran?"

Reporters than asked questions about Mr. Bravado's background and were told he had been a truck driver on an offshore race team for 3 months, and therefore qualified to oversee the entire project.

Mr. Hyperbole retook the podium at that point and was pressed for details about the elusive Mr. Schwartz. Questions about exactly how Horatio became a Millionaire Playboy were answered with " Prior to hees current career, Mister Schwartz was an heir to zee Schwartz fortune." The source of the fortune?... "Zee family owns vinyards, shipyards, and distilleries all over Europe, and brothels throughout Russia."

When asked about the motivation behind the record attempt, Mister Hyperbole became visibly agitated and offered: " Mister Schwartz believes zat it ees hees destiny to hold zis record and also..... he ees a bit short." Once again the questions turned to Mister Hyperbole's strange accent and the press conference was cut short by a fist fight.

After the event, a poll of the reporters, all of whom had been given expensive handcrafted 18 karat gold pens and custom tailored, suede "Team Schwartz" jackets, indicated great confidence, support and enthusiasm for the event. One reporter remarked " They picked me up in a chaffeur driven Bentley this morning, as far as I can see Schwartz walks on water." Another noted, as he was being assisted with his new jacket by one of a seeming plethora of long legged, stunning "Schwartzettes", "I like this guy's style, I'm sure he has all of the answers to speed record attempts, even if he get's killed!". and " I don't care if no one has actually seen the boat...or Schwartz for that matter..... This is the real deal!".... after which he managed to dribble cre'me fraiche and caviar on his shirt.

Stay tuned for further news on this water breaking story.

[Chris]

Dateline Vienna:

At this morning's press briefing, reporters were given further insight into the dramatic design concepts woven into the fabric of Team Schwartz's revolutionary monohull record boat.

Assistant Press Secretary, Dr. Ernest Spin, chronicled the many aspects of the Schwartz Concept. " We are using more horsepower per pound than anybody else (code named "Schwartzpower"). Questions on details, engine design , fuel, torque, and displacement were not answered, however, Dr. Spin did offer: "In fact, on paper, we calculate that, given our power to weight ratio, we can break the record running up Niagara Falls....even in warm weather." Spin chuckled as he added: "Of course we would never attempt such a thing, even though it is rumored that one of the American challengers is considering an unmanned, radio controlled, record attempt in the other direction......... down the Falls." When pressed for information as to which challenger, Dr. Spin replied: " I cannot divulge the manufacturer, but let's just say that we don't consider that approach fair.....even in North Carolina."

Spin continued: " Clearly we are using all of the traditional monohull aero and hydrodynamic upgrades, hi lift air foil on the deck and sides, ultralight composites, oversized strakes, pads, 3 beaks (rumored to be one on top of the other), back porch for extended length, and adjustable winged stabilizers on the drivers' helmets ( The patented Schwartz Aero Helmet (SAH))."

Asked about the "patented" Schwartz Inverted Step Design (SISD) Dr. Spin became very enthusiastic: " We have discovered a whole new concept in hull step design....Our tests indicate that steps increase speed....but only when molded into the cockpit floor......and on the transom surface between the outdrives..... so we immediately patented this before our competitors could claim authorship." He continued:
"We are also using steps on the hull to give the press something to talk about."

Finally, Dr. Spin brought out Technical Director, Giancarlo Bravado, for further comment. "With all that, we knew we needed something really dramatic to boost our speed beyond belief." Bravado said: "I am proud to announce that our greatest advancement was in the unique shape and lift characteristics built into our deck cleats.... code named "Schwartzlift"." Asked where this design came from Giancarlo offered:" I doodled the design at a truckstop one night after pulling a 47 hour cross Alps run to Hamburg". Asked for his qualifications in aerodynamics Bravado responded: " I've been a truck driver for years and have spent hundreds of hours watching my hand as I held it out the window in the speeding air. Sometimes, depending on the angle, it would go up, and sometimes it would go down in the windstream...... I used the "up" angle." Reminded that most high speed offshore hulls use retractable cleats, Giancarlo, responded: "What does retractable mean?"

Reporters, who were enjoying a breakfast of Eggs Benedict and Champagne, then asked the whereabouts of reclusive scion, Horatio Schwartz. "Mr. Schwartz is indisposed, as he is suffering from a headache that he feels is a direct result of testing prototypes of the new radical Schwartz Aero Helmet (SAH)." said Dr. Spin.

Questions then turned to the whereabouts of Schwartz Press Secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, and his strange yet familiar accent, whereupon the proceedings were halted as a fistfight broke out.

More to follow

[Chris]

Turmoil in the Schwartz Camp.......

This just in........

Dateline Vienna.........1/27/07 7:00 AM (GMT)

Team Schwartz, the vaunted vee bottom record attempt sponsored by millionaire playboy, Horatio Schwartz, has encountered a series of dramatic changes. Press secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, his head swathed in bandages, announced that World Champion Offshore Throttleman, Sir Percival Rapid, has been signed on as both throttleman and crew chief of the effort. Hyperbole also stated that Technical Director, Giancarlo Bravado, has been removed from his race boat duties and given "another assignment" in the vast Schwartz empire. When asked what happened, Sir Percival replied: " The guy's a bloody wanker! He doesn't know his arse from a propeller blade. What do you chaps think this is....... American Super Cat??????".

Rapid went on and stated: " The boat immediately picked up almost 80 mph in my first test run." When questioned further as to what he had done to achieve this result, the British phenom replied: " I started the second engine......"

Another tempest erupted over the release, yesterday, of the team financial records which indicated that a total of 27 million dollars had been spent on the effort to date. Close scrutiny led to questions as to how $26.5 million of that had been spent on the category entitled "Press and Public relations". Reporters demanded answers of Press Secretary Hyperbole, as they lunched on a sumptuous spread including Fois Gras and Cornish Hen, and a fist fight erupted

[Chris]

Team Schwartz announces re-organization.

The Offshore Vee hull record attempt currently underway under the ownership of Baron Horatio Schwartz has announced major changes today. Effective immediately Team Press Secretary, Sterling Hyperbole, has been removed from his duties and put on "special assignment". Assistant Press Secretary, Doctor Ernest Spin, will share the departed Hyperbole's duties with newly hired, Yvonne Comfort. Miss Comfort was introduced to the media, at a lavish brunch which featured Lobster cocktails, scrambled eggs with Black truffles, and Champagne. She pledged "Unbridled enthusiasm and positive vibrations". She added "Please call me Yvonne, I am available 24 hours a day to answer your questions about this incredible project. It is a great opportunity for me to bring my boundless energy and giddy spirit to this enterprize" Miss Comfort was reminded that these are the exact words she used when accepting her last assignment as Press Director for Lavish Marine, a French-Italian Yacht building Consortium. "Really?" She replied, "I didn't realize I was that predictably superficial....I promise you I will work on that ....If you guys agree to help?" Miss Comfort than curtsied and looked astonishingly coquettish.

Reporters pressed for information regarding the recent changes. When questioned directly about the possibility that Mr. Hyperbole's dismissal might have been related to the outlandish expenditures in Press and Public Relations detailed in last week's release of the team's budget, Spin was resolute: " No, No this has nothing to do with fiduciary issues or ethics. In fact, Mr. Hyperbole was picked up on an outstanding warrant related to an old child pornography charge.... Those of us who know Sterling stand behind him 110%....without any equivocation...unless he's guilty.

One other minor announcement was made. The team officially announced that testing results indicate that the boat is now ready to go....and speed estimates of between 300 and 350 mph reported by "sources" last week were "in the ballpark"

[Chris]

Schwartz forms new Racing Organization

Dateline Vienna:........... 1/29/07 1:00 PM (GMT)

Press Secretary, Yvonne Comfort, of Team Schwartz, the (patented) vee bottom water speed record effort, confirmed today that Team Chairman, Baron Horatio Schwartz was creating his own sanctioning body. " After weeks of fruitless negotiations with the UIM, USAC, AAA, and AARP, The Chairman/Baron has confessed "great disappointment" with the "Impertinent obstinance" of all of these august bodies." "Their constant focus on printed rules and regulations, and seemingly anal emphasis on safety standards has left me little choice but to break away and form my own group..... The very thought that I should follow rules designed by and for other racers and the benefit of the sport is both assinine and beneath contempt."

Ms. Comfort continued to read excerpts from Mr. Schwartz' statement: "I am today announcing the formation of the World Horatio Offshore Racing Effort (W.H.O.R.E.). This will provide sportsmen with an unrestricted racing venue that will not require answering to anyone but ourselves." " Our (trademarked)motto is ..."Screw The Rules...if you can afford it".

Members of the press, who were enjoying a sumptuous luncheon of roast suckling pig in a quail egg/white wine reduction, with a delicious assortment of flavored martinis, asked Ms. Comfort for further details and were informed. "This is the beginning of the greatest chapter in the history of our wonderful sport." When asked what other chapters the team had witnessed, a fist fight broke out.

[Chris]

Team Schwartz announces new celebrity member...also breaks record

Dateline Vienna:....... 1/31/07 4:00 PM (G.M.T.)

Yvonne Comfort, Team Schwartz Press Secretary, announced today that famed Rap artist, X-LackZ, has joined the record breaking effort. "X brings a new perspective to our project..and will also give W.H.O.R.E. better "street creds"."
She then introduced the rapper himself who charmed the assembled audience with a new "joint" that he had authored specifically for the occasion. X shouted out:

"Ain't no back like a vee bottom got,
My ho sure likes her water speed hot,
Kill any Mother F******* say's I slow,
Horatio, my man, you in da know!"

The press, assembled for a luncheon of seared rabbit, in a ginger truffle sauce, and Poached Pear with Cinnamon Ice Cream, heard Ms. Comfort proclaim: “In honor of “X’s” arrival we have shortened the name of “World Horatio Offshore Racing Effort” (W.H.O.R.E.) to a more simple “Horatio Offshore” or “H.O.”.

Shortly after that a reporter asked what, in fact, Rap Music has to do with Offshore Speed records. He was immediately assaulted by members of Mr. LackZ’ posse, the “IrregulahZ”, and a fistfight broke out.

After the melee, and subsequent arrests on various weapons and drug charges, a handout was discovered indicating that Team Schwartz had, in fact, broken the record, although no further details were available.

[Chris]

Team Schwartz sets record..... press release lost on OSO.

Dateline Vienna........ 2/5/07 7:00 AM (GMT)

Team Press Secretary, Doctor Ernest Spin, confirmed today that the Schwartzcraft record attempt was wildly successful, achieving a new mark of 217.450 mph. The attempt was marred by the inability of the team to back up their blistering 334 mph northbound run on Big Beaver Fjord in Norway. The boat was clocked at only 100 mph on the southbound run since , as throttleman, Sir Percival Rapid, indicated, Baron Horatio Schwartz passed out on both record runs.

Sir Percival also noted that he really didn't need a conscious driver since, throughout most of his career, he had been accompanied by "human blow up dolls" behind the wheel. He did waffle when questioned directly about his driver in the Current World Champion Class One hull, "Glorious Jihad" , Sheik Hassim al Bernadandji. Stating that "Hassie is the exception. He's at least as good as Michael Schumacher in certain circumstances. In fact his many wives and children erupt into a chorus of "Hail great driver!" whenever he approaches them.". Of course the Sheik, rumored to be worth 141 Trillion dollars, pays Sir Percival an annual stipend said to be in the neighborhood of $21 million (U.S.) for his throttling duties and this might have some impact on the British phenom's opinion. When asked if this might influence his answers, Sir Percival smiled, winked and mumbled "Well, maybe just a little, but he's only passed out twice.".

The press, who enjoyed a meal of Sushi and lightly flamed Blue Fin Toro washed down by $1000/bottle sake brewed from the spring waters of Mount Fuji, at the original press conference, began to question the whereabouts of the reclusive Baron and his co-press secretary, Yvonne Comfort, whereupon a fist fight ended the proceedings.

What is doubly puzzling is that the original release and subsequent retorts on the sport's leading website, Offshore Only, (OSO.com) were mysteriously erased shortly after release sometime on 2/2/07. Members of the website police have been summoned to find the missing entries and a world wide search has been authorized by the authorities.

[Chris]

Shocking developments at Team Schwartz...a dismal ending

Dateline Vienna.........2/7/07 7:00 (GMT)

Team Schwartz, the current holders of the World Monohull speed record of 217.450 mph, was disbanded today. A cooperative team consisting of agents from the FBI, Interpol, Scotland yard, and the "new and improved" KGB, staged a raid on Schwartzcraft headquarters and arrested its reclusive Chairman, Baron Horatio Schwartz, as well as his co-Press Secretary, Yvonne Comfort. The couple offered resistance, barricading themselves in the boardroom and creating a 2 hour standoff with the assembled law enforcement officials. This situation was terminated when authorities used a battering ram, tear gas, and "flash bang" charges to temporarily stun and disarm the duo. A cache of weapons and explosives were recovered, and, apparently, the Baron expected a lengthy and bloody siege. However, none of the guns were loaded, nor were the explosives armed. Authorities believe that the ammunition found in the room did not fit in any of the guns, and the plastic explosive was an inferior product that can only be detonated in a complete vacuum at 2000 degrees fahrenheit.

The most shocking announcement was the news that Baron Horatio Schwartz is actually Louis "Little Lips" Fastarino, a former mid level capo in the St Louis based, Provalone crime family, who had been in the Federal Witness Protection Program. As the "Baron", Fastarino headed a major international hijacking ring specializing in drugs, black market weapons, expensive women's undergarments and cosmetics. Nicknamed "Project Victoria's Secret", the multinational force estimated that the ring had taken almost $3 Billion (US) in goods over the past 5 years, and were responsible for the famed "Antwerp Airport Heist" in 2003. The role of Ms. Comfort is still under investigation as the couple apparently only met last week.

This leaves the speed record effort in shambles. Throttleman, Sir Percival Rapid, offered no comment other than a sigh of thanks that he still had his Class 1 ride in the UAE.

After the authorities completed their press conference, the assembled reporters were informed that there would be no food served, which resulted in a fistfight between ex-Schwartz staffers and the, ever hungry, media group.

[Chris]

Breaking News..... Schwartz/Fastarino Escapes from French Police car.

Dateline Paris: 2/8/07 6:00 AM (GMT).

Reputed Mob Captain, Louis "Little Lips" Fastarino, who mascaraded as Milionaire Sportsman, Horatio Schwartz, engineered a daring escape today on the streets of Paris. While engaged in a transfer to a maximum security prison, the French Police motorcade carrying Fastarino was attacked by a small group of masked gunmen led by a heavily bandaged individual who repeatedly screamed "Free Heeeem, Free Zee Baron" in a strange accent. The group easily overpowered the gendarmes because, after all, they are French, and basically helpless in a direct confrontation. Fastarino was later seen entering a jet black helicopter and taking off from a suburban French hamlet, Chantois. The CIA has denied any involvement but the helicopter was a Blackhawk, the type favored by that agency for secret ops work.

When asked for further detail the French Police Commander, Francois Clouless, declined to respond but did add that the prisoner seemed to be preoccupied since his arrest with breaking water speed records in both the catamaran and turbine divisions. This was apparently something that the prisoner thought he "was entitled to". Experts contacted by the media indicated that breaking records, which are basically a function of power to weight ratios, mixed with cash infusions and ever larger hull sizes is uniquely suited to the relatively untalented criminal as the professional throttleman/co drivers frequently do the lion's share of controlling the boats at speed.

A world wide search has begun, specifically targeting plastic surgeons as it is believed Mr. Fastarino is a master at changing his appearance and identity. Authorities believe that he has large stashes of cash secreted throughout the world and could disappear easily into the fabric of many societies. They also warned that he could reappear at any time, and any place. Because of this he has been dubbed "The Chameleon" by Interpol.

At the press conference, hastily called by the authorities to announce the escape, questions quickly turned to the lack of refreshments offered. The reporters seemed especially peeved that France, which boasts the highest levels of cuisine in the world, did not even offer wine and cheese to the assembled media. Shortly thereafter a fist fight erupted....during which the unarmed French Gendarmes ran and hid.

[Chris]

Dateline Toulouse France, 4/12/07 7:00 AM

A young man claiming to be the son of Louis "Little Lips" Fastorino, the midwest mobster notorious for masquerading as Baron Horatio Schwartz and breaking the Vee bottom World Speed Record was briefly detained today by local Gendarmes. He was charged with "Bad grammar and Intent" in a web post in support of his missing parent.

Fastorino Senior is the subject of a current Global search by Interpol, Scotland Yard, and the FBI for a massive money laundering scheme and various Ponzi enterprizes. According to unnamed sources within the investigation, Fastorino, known by Law enforcement as "The Chameleon", has radically changed his appearance and has, among other things, added 4 inches to his height, while shedding years in age appearance.

Fastorino Junior claimed that he hadn't seen his father since February, but had no doubt that he would be unable to stay out of the high performance boating scene for very long. "Dad has a big ego and craves the limelight. Besides, he loves to watch people fawn all over him when he hands out a few bucks." the younger Fastorino was quoted as saying. "He has big plans to help the sport of offshore racing by creating at least 25 new racing classes.....mostly using diesels.... ".

Our research indicates that diesel engines are currently available in sizes from only a few HP up to thousands, making this claim shockingly believable.

The young man also claimed that "Dad, was beginning to experiment with the media to determine if building an actual record boat was required anymore.....especially when you can manipulate the media into believing...and printing .......just about anything." Further he added" Some High Performance boaters will believe any nonsense you throw at them...... especially if you give them hats and tee shirts simultaneously.....or if you have a party."

Interpol has put out an APB for an individual who, while still short, is at least 4 inches taller than Baron Schwartz.

During the press conference an obscure journalist with an unusual accent began to pelt the stage with an assortment of delicious fruits and candies, before being subdued. He was not arrested, however, as immediately following his out burst....a fistfight broke out.

[Chris]

Toulouse, France 4/13/07 1:00 PM

Authorities today announced that the young man believed to be Louis Fastorino Jr. who was briefly detained for an internet infraction earlier this week may have, in fact, been Louis Fastorino himself. Long known as "The Chameleon", Fastorino , a master of disguises and plastic surgery may very well have remodeled himself into a younger person.

"We had him and he slipped right through our fingers." sighed Chief Inspector Pierre Le Femme, head of the multi national investigatory team assigned to capture Fastorino, who previously posed as playboy, Baron Horatio Schwartz, and set the World's Vee bottom water speed record. Inspector Le Femme made these comments at a news conference called by another International playboy, Ezekial Navelscratcher, who coincidentally announced plans for an attempt to break the World's Catamaran speed record, currently set at slightly over 200 mph.

Navelscratcher intends to use Diesel power and has also offered to fund diesel powered teams in all boat racing classes. "Diesel is the future and we are time travelers" Press Secretary, Cordan Blew stated. "Ezekial is a visionary, and a wonderful champion." He added. When asked what , exactly, that meant, he replied " Well to begin with, he is very rich."

The press was treated to a sumptious spread of Thai goose roulade, spicy octopus salad, and ginger ice cream, washed down with generous servings of delicious White Burgundy.

One reporter asked Inspector Le Femme what exactly he and his agents were doing at the event. "We watch powerboat racing very closely, you never know, Fastorino might be right in this room...... It is only a matter of time before his goose is cooked eh?" The Inspector then returned to his lunch.

As the event wound down some commented to Press Secretary Blew that he has a strange accent....and a fistfight broke out abruptly terminating the proceedings."

[Chris]

Probably better off being somewhere where it's safe.

[T2x]

Probably better off being somewhere where it's safe.

Thank's Chris....

[Ratickle]

One of my favorite threads of all time.

I worked hard on an update I posted on it just to try and get Rich going again....

Didn't work though, probably just pizzed him off.....

[T2x]

One of my favorite threads of all time.

I worked hard on an update I posted on it just to try and get Rich going again....

Didn't work though, probably just pizzed him off.....

Post away........ I'm off to watch the Oklahoma National Guard trying to navigate to Canada.

[Ratickle]

Post away........ I'm off to watch the Oklahoma National Guard trying to navigate to Canada.

Dateline Lake Z 09/28/2008

An anonymous tip from the secret facilities of Louis Fastorino has revealed the latest financial situation of the fabled race team. Evidently, they had lost several trillion dollars by disguising the identity of "The Chameleon" on numerous occasions and spending $ on a lavish lifestyle, and were on the brink of bankruptcy. That was why no updates had been released for quite some time.

It seems the team, under another corporate name, was able to raise enough money to put them back to their previous weight class by receiving a $2.5 million grant from an unsuspecting donor in the form of tax credits. Although this enabled them to once again enjoy their exquisite meals, unfortunately it did not give them enough money to further develope their new V bottom world record attempt Swartzcraft.

After much consideration, and several fistfights, they were able to get several large banks to lend them billions of $, but somehow blew all of that before their record attempt was completed. They were able to do some testing of the new design and the only problem was, with only room for one driver and the Baron himself insisting he drive, the "Pass-out" issue had to be dealt with.

The insider was able to pass on an exclusive picture of the latest design, complete with the remote drive assistance vehicle, before having to go back into his secret hiding position under his alias, (thought to be T2x of OSO fame). The hope is that the inverted position of the Baron will allow more blood to be in his head and the passing out issue will be resolved.

The one issue they had during the testing was before the secret craft was on plane, the Baron could not see anything due to being inverted underwater and fell asleep earlier than was expected. Luckily, the remote drive assistance vehicle was able to wake him once the craft was on plane through the use of the electric dog collar they had sewn into his driving suit prior to testing. This was accomplished while the Baron was eating a meal prepared by his world renowned chef. Speeds were not passed on at this time, although the informer hinted a new top-end had been reached and confirmed.

The informers last words were that there was an ambitious plan to get another $700 billion from another unsuspecting identity and finish the record attempt. Updates will undoubtably follow if this money is obtained.

[Airpacker]

Post away........ I'm off to watch the Oklahoma National Guard trying to navigate to Canada.

Tell them to be careful. We wouldn't want them to trip over the border line.

[McGary911]

Looks like it'll live in the SOS time capsule.

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