Texts From Last Night

[MacGyver]

(214):
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

[MacGyver]

(818):
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

[MacGyver]

(985):
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

[MacGyver]

(207):
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling **** repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

[MacGyver]

(805):
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

[MacGyver]

(251):
He managed to light the Jello on fire...

[MacGyver]

(661):
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623):
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661):
Exactly.

[MacGyver]

(510):
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

[MacGyver]

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still ****ing me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

[MacGyver]

(614):
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

[MacGyver]

(714):
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

[MacGyver]

(856):
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

[MacGyver]

(317):
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad

[MacGyver]

(610):
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?

[MacGyver]

(913):
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

[MacGyver]

(613):
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

[MacGyver]

(678):
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.

[MacGyver]

(717):
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717):
It usually does with you

[MacGyver]

(305):
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

[MacGyver]

(503):
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.