Texts From Last Night

[phragle]

(941): i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head


Seriously - out of all of you guys - who knows what a bumpit is?

A plastic cone head conversion kit for chicks. Yes for just $5.99 you head can look mis-shapen

[Spicy]

(941): i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head


Seriously - out of all of you guys - who knows what a bumpit is?

www.bumpits.com

[jayboat]

(353): I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing

[Wobble]

(353): I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing

You are not supposed to post your own text messages

[bluellama]

(519): I ****ed her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

Perlmudder ??????

[jayboat]

You are not supposed to post your own text messages

(605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

[Perlmudder]

(519): I ****ed her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

Perlmudder ??????

I thought that might be josh when I read that the other morning. the only thing is he does not play hockey.

[drpete3]

So glad this thread is revived

[jayboat]

So glad this thread is revived

As long as there are posts like this, don't worry... this thread will never die.

(904): i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a sh!t ton of presents

(626): He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

(404): Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
(1-404): did you answer or finish?
(404): both

[jayboat]

(571): I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

(951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

(717): I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...

(941): my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

[jayboat]

(661): May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

(724): Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

(732): i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.

(740): she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.

(847): another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

(419): Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.

[jayboat]

(325): Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...

(617): you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

(570): the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

(614): I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook

(817): getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.

(805): I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fvcking my old High School girlfriends

(937): the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest

[LaughingCat]

(828): I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much

(630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
(1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

(630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
(1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

(586): Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

(704): you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

[LaughingCat]

(571):

(941): my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

Instant Florida classic.

BTW, It's hitting mid-60's today. We're taking the kids by boat for lunch this weekend. Anyone heading to Gator's on the Pass?

[bluellama]

(269): Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

[jayboat]

Happy New Year...

(404 ): you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.

(515): once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.

(978): She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

(361): Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed

[jayboat]

and the beat goes on...

(205): I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more

(330): He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

(918): my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk

(305): I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

(502): guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

(616): Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him

[Ratickle]

and the beat goes on...

(305): I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

Now that's scary......

[LaughingCat]

That site is always good for a new laugh

[Dude! Sweet!]

Now that's scary......

(305): I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

Speaking from the perspecive of being a middle aged Irishman... That, my friend, is how you wake up dead...