Texts From Last Night

[drpete3]

That's awesome!

+1 man those are good

[jayboat]

(281): Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.

And one that I only wish had been written about me...

(714): thats the last time I f*** a piece of fruit on camera for him.

[ChiefApache]

[B]((714): thats the last time I f*** a piece of fruit on camera for him.

[insanity]

(513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

[MacGyver]

(702): That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s ****ed!

F'kin biitch

[LaughingCat]

(972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
(817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
(972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

(425): It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

(614): this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

(732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

(931): don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

(804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities

(559): my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding

[jayboat]

that website should be payin' us commission.

[ChiefApache]

that website should be payin' us commission.

Isn't that the truth!

[MattBMiller]

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

[bluellama]

(804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities

DollaBill, did you change your area code. Eastern European strippers, you've got to love them......

[Perlmudder]

(519): i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??


guelph ontario baby!!

[LaughingCat]

DollaBill, did you change your area code. Eastern European strippers, you've got to love them......

I really liked that text.

[DollaBill]

DollaBill, did you change your area code. Eastern European strippers, you've got to love them......

thats funny because I saw that and was like WOW, BEEN THERE. HAHAH

[DollaBill]

It's now on my must-see-at-least-once-a-day sites. I've had 2 up there

[jayboat]

A never-ending gold mine of funny...

(703): I can feel you judging me through the phone.

(303): dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

(267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

[LaughingCat]

(610): She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

[ChiefApache]

(610): She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

[Sea-Dated]

(412): You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.

[LaughingCat]

(703): BEES IN MY ****ING PANTS. HELP.

(925): is it true you ****ed a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

(765): So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

(850): when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.

(253): I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.

(917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

(650): I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

[ChiefApache]

(765): So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

(916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

(865): If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.

I espeically like the grilled cheese text.