The Humor Section

[RonStevens]

Hey, fellas! I've created this thread for us to share a few full-hearted laughs, something to lighten up the day when the going gets rough or you just needed something to pick you up on a gloomy day. Let me start this up with a few shorts:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

[RonStevens]

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.

“Get your lips off my wife!” I snapped, pulling him off her.

“But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”

“Do I need to repeat myself?

[RonStevens]

I lost my job as a bank teller on my first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I shoved her and she fell down.

[Ratickle]

A young guy from Michigan moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Holland." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one?
Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

[RonStevens]

Hahaha! That definitely made my day, Ratickle. Just keep 'em coming!

[RonStevens]

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear..

is sphere itself.

[RonStevens]

I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo..

All she said was,

"CLOSE THE F****N DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS!"

[Ratickle]

Damn, you've got some good ones......

[Ratickle]

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Ratickle]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[RonStevens]

Damn, you've got some good ones......

So do you, man. Just keep 'em coming.

[RonStevens]

I was sitting at a bar last night..

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

[RonStevens]

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof!

He took away the ladder and said, "I'm never gonna let you down."

[rschap1]

[RonStevens]

A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks - one in each hand and one under his left arm.

He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.

The Bartender is well-experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.

"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey," answers the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck,

"My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

[Ratickle]

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill -

"So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...

I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"

[fund razor]

[Demon13]

Three Muslim buddies ( a Taliban, a Shirra Califate, and a Sunni Priest ) decide to do something new and exciting one day by going skydiving..Being of such Noble status they decide to take the ADVANCED course which allows them to pack there own shutes..After reaching the right altitude they all jump from the plane and are HORRIFIED to discover NONE of their parachutes open...Soooo the question is WHO hit the ground first ??.... Answer ; WHO CARES...

[fund razor]

[sonicss31]