Best Joke Ever

[clayinaustin]

We have a "best song ever" thread, so post your most favorite joke of all time.

I'll start.

[clayinaustin]

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and that damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?

[sledge]

Nancy Pelosi
Barney Frank
The 111th Congress of the United States

[LaughingCat]

That cook-off joke is one of my favorites too

[Wrinkleface]

Steczzy!!!!!!

[t500hps]

Another oldie....but I love this one!!!

It is by a Sports Illustrated writer, Rick Riley, who took a ride in a
Navy F-14.

Thanks Jack,

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He
details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14
Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk
Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken.

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your
country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have . John
Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this
opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam.

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do

Do Not Go!!!

I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I
was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip
(Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in
Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like,
triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,
finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other
way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the
voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..."
Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear
his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds
waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60
million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin
Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before
the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next
morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they
do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my
name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky
or Leadfoot .. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the
crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a
chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then
fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress"
me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately
knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed
over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were
firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over
another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride
lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over
Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops,
yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a
vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14,
and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at
200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,
which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing
against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.




And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.


I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing
stuff that never thought would be egressed.


I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point,
as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing
target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and
out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to
throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or
Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is
guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I
wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad
Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in
a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he
and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on
a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

[Pachanga]

There was a truck driver hauling a load of hens to the plant. It was a long haul and he always took his talking parrot as a companion.

This particular night the truck driver was really thinking about women. It had been ages since he had been with a woman.

While he is driving down the road much to his surprise he comes up on a gorgeous blond whose car had broken down. He is thinking this is my lucky night. The blond starts to get in the truck and the driver says I'll ride ya 50 miles if ya let me f*ck ya. The woman is out of the truck so fast he didn't even get a good look at her.

The driver takes off again wondering what he had done wrong. He was becoming very uncomfortable because he was so horny...thinking about that gourgeous blond. Low and behold he comes up on a beautiful redhead hiking down the road! He stops his truck and opens the door. Before he can say a world the parrot says no f*ck no ride. The beautiful redhead runs off screaming.

The driver takes off furious at his parrot. About a mile down the road he realized the parrot would probably just do it again if he lucked up on another chick. He stops and throws the parrot in the back with the hens and takes off again.

About 30 minutes pass and here comes the blue lights and siren. The driver all but sh*ts in his pants as he pulls his truck over. The officer walks up and the driver doesn't give him a chance to speak. Officer I didn't do a thing, I haven't seen anyone, I wasn't speeding, etc.

Finally when the officer has a chance to speak he says to the driver.... I don't know what you have done, what you are planning to do or where your going. BUT!




















You got a parrot on the back throwing hens off the truck saying no f*ck no ride!

[Pachanga]

3 little birds are sittin in a tree. The 1st little bird says it's starting to get cold and my instincts tell me to fly south. The 2nd little bird says yeah, my instincts tell me to fly south too. The third little bird with a puzzled look says my end stinks too but it doesn't tell me where the H to go!

[Pachanga]

2 brothers are driving down the road in very desolate farm country when there car breaks down. They get out not knowing what to do. One brother sees a light in the distance and they start walking to it. They come up on an old farmhouse. They knock on the door and a farmer answers the door.

They tell the farmer their car broke down and ask if they can use his phone. Farmer replies...I ain't got no phone. Distaught they then ask the farmer if they can sleep in his barn since it's getting dark. The farmer says nope. But come in and have some supper.

They sit at the table with him,his wife, and much to their surprise his beautiful daughter. As they are eating the daughter is constantly making eyes at the 2 brothers. When they finish eating the farmer tells them you can stay in the spare bedroom but don't mess with my daughter!

The brothers happily accept his hospitality and retire to the spare bedroom. No sooner than the lights are out the daughter slips into their bedroom! She is all over them and obviously has never been with a man. Just as things are heating up the door bursts open and there is the farmer standing there with a shotgun pointed at them. The brothers are panicing and telling the farmer they didn't do anything. The farmer tells them they can either go into town with him in the morning and he will turn them into the sherif or they can do whatever he tells then to do in the morning. The brothers happily agree to do what the farmer asks.

Morning comes and the door bursts open again with the farmer standing their with his shotgun. The farmer says let's go. He marches them out to the fields and tells the brothers to pick 100 of any king of fruit or vegetable and bring them to him. The brothers think...this is not so bad.

About an hour passes and the 1st brother arrives with 100 cherries. He hands them to the farmer and starts to walk away. Click! The farmer says wait a minute as he points the shotgun at the brother. Standing there terrified the brother meekly asks what? The farmer says cram dem cherries up your as*!

Aghaust the brother is shaking his head as the farmer nudges him with the shotgun. Slowly he drops his pants and begins cramming cherries up his as*. As he gets number 25 up his as* the brother bursts out laughing and all the cherries come back out. Not amused the farmer shoves the shotgun at him and loudly says cram them up your as*. Grimicing and embarrassed the brother gets to 50 cherries. All of the sudden he bursts out laughing again. He is laughing so hard he is rolling on the ground as all the cherries pop back out..

The farmer,quite aggrevated is wondering what kindda whacko this brother is. Scratching his head he asks the brother....what in tarnation is so funny. The brother, with tears in his eys from laughing looks up at the farmer and says....My brothers picking watermelons!

[boomer35]

anyone have the one about the guy tazering himself

[Sea-Dated]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[BBB725]

anyone have the one about the guy tazering himself

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don’t do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, ********s nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my ********s? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return

[KENNYO]

......Rectum hell, killed 'em both!

[clayinaustin]

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still
in great shape since my track and field days some 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Damon, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started!

The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Damon waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Damon gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and
was alarmed that it was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
him in his gym top and bulging shorts. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Damon was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Damon made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but
I made the full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I ran over the gym manager in the parking lot. Damon was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so he put me on the "Stair
Monster". Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Damon told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

Thursday:

Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Damon took me
to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the women's change room. He sent Cheryl to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Damon more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, masochistic
gym-jock. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat him with it. He wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the fricken barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended
and graduated magna *** laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't it have been someone big
and soft, like an ice-cream salesman or a fireman?

Saturday:

Damon left a message on my answering machine in his grating, whining
voice, wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my rolling pin. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the bastard) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root
canal or a pap smear.

[cuda]

A ham sandwich walks in a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve food here"'

[cuda]

A skeleton walks in the bar, orders a beer and a mop.

[clayinaustin]

Two blonds walk into a building.

You would think that one of them would have seen it.

[Bobcat]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin .. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[BlackJack58]

Heard this is 7th grade - still makes me laugh:

Man and his wife are on their honeymoon. Right before bed, she wanders into the bathroom and sees a full-length mirror on the door. Looking at herself, she playfully calls out: "Mirror, Mirror on the door...make my breast size forty-four..."

All of a sudden ...Buh-BOOM!!! ...her boobs were huge and luscious! She stepped back into the room, where her husband was absolutely awestruck.

"What happened?" he said. "I mean -- I heard what you said, but..."

"It must be the magic mirror," she replied. She looked at him and smiled. "Why don't YOU go try it?"

"I will!" he said, rushing past her into the bathroom.

He stood in front of the mirror, pulled his shorts down and said: "Mirror, Mirror, on the door...make my p*nis touch the floor..."

...And then his legs fell off...

[MarylandMark]

Stecz.

Oh- sorry; thought it said biggest joke ever