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Racegirl3
10-19-2008, 07:44 PM
Post em if ya got em .... :sifone:

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

Bobcat
10-19-2008, 07:54 PM
same smell............................the sunblock i mean:ack2::ack2:

ChiefApache
10-20-2008, 10:19 AM
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $ 200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull$hittin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . You started it.'

bootdaddy
10-20-2008, 10:27 AM
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods.
The bear is taking a **** and looks over at the rabbit and asks "Do you have a problem with **** sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit answers "No I don't."

With that the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass and says "Thanks for the help little buddy"



Did you hear about the pollack who locked his keys in the car?
It took him a week to get his family out!

Wrinkleface
10-20-2008, 10:33 AM
Stenchy!!! need I say more!!!???:moon:

Chris
10-20-2008, 11:00 AM
Did you hear about the pollack who locked his keys in the car?
It took him a week to get his family out!

Better watch out- Glassdave is a member of the tribe. :)

bootdaddy
10-20-2008, 12:14 PM
Better watch out- Glassdave is a member of the tribe. :)

I know....but it only took Dave 2 days!

I'll help him out...
The reason the Irih keep fighting with each other?
There is no other worthy opponent!

bootdaddy
10-24-2008, 05:59 PM
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see Accountants
on my operating table; because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered.'

The second surgeon, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should
try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think Librarians
are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical
order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, 'You know, I
like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you
have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when
he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
operate on..There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and
no spine; and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

bootdaddy
10-24-2008, 10:57 PM
Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Oz

Oz who?

Oz yer next president!...

itilldo
10-25-2008, 06:02 AM
Wayne The Saint!!!!





It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me
relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about
the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I
hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer
lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise. :moon:

itilldo
10-25-2008, 06:06 AM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


Nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I doʼ said Bob.


'Did you, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


'Well, uh, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'



'She just died and left me everything.'

itilldo
10-25-2008, 06:11 AM
MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' :eek::D

itilldo
10-25-2008, 06:26 AM
Dear Sir,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been rejected.

One of the questions was... "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My D i c k" is not considered to be an appropriate answer! :26:

Racegirl3
10-27-2008, 08:21 PM
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses:

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old


'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old


'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old


''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old



'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old


'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old



'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old



'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old


AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old